This blog was left fallow for quite a while now. And to the surprise of no-one, the more I wanted to plant something in it (something, anything!) the harder it became to add to it.
I’ve been researching writing essays, as if those were the inspiration of filling in the space here. But that didn’t go anywhere – it just didn’t feel right to go process first into something that ultimately I’d like to spring from the inside, from inner inspiration.
Also, thinking back how it started almost 23 years ago, I didn’t need no stinkin’ guidance, just write! Of course, if nothing has changed in more than two decades, there’s something wrong. However the more plausible state is more innocence and creativity back then, and (gawd I hope) more skill and experience now. I can imagine a world where I can combine the best parts of these two times, rather than – as it seems currently – the worst parts, leaving a void on the page.
Digging further into the why‘s of all this1, there are some problems to work through.
The perfectionism is not new, where I feel I have to know how to do things well, before I can start — but that doesn’t strike every time, just when I really care about something. Ah, so I just really care about this, bless my little heart…
Then there’s also the seemingly endless written communication that seems to surround me: working remotely, a lot of my work comms are in text & also being an expat a lot of my personal comms are the same. And since writing is thinking2 I’m forcing myself to think, I mean write, a lot more each day. When I have more personal time, it’s a journal. When I am pushing myself into work, then my work “labbook” is what gets cultivated. And by the time I get here, I’m running on fumes and vapour doesn’t stick to these pages. Is there a finite number of tokens words that one can produce each day? Why shouldn’t it be finite, actually? They seem even preciously finite.
Still, one cannot help but but try, try again3, so here we are. Direction: approximate; effort: best; purpose: eventually.
And if I can recover enough by the Sunday evening of a weekend, that I can even contemplate contemplation, that feels like a good sign, and something to take into the new week. Here’s for more contemplation!
- Yeah, define: this… ↩︎
- I need a source for where I’ve picked it up; currently all I can find is an enless stream of blogs, which surely, surely wasn’t the source. ↩︎
- Now I know this is Diamonds are Forever. ↩︎